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1994-10-23
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TITLE:HOW TO BECOME A LIGHT SPANDIMERDA IN FEW MINUTES
PALETTE:0223 099b 08ba 0cc9
THE HANDY GUIDE TO AMATEURIAL SPANDIMERDING
By Macno
To spandimerda is an art.
It may hurt or it may entertain.
If you want to entertain you need good taste and touch, style and delicatesse,
you can't simply slag other people off, that's a rude and violent act that a
honourable spandimerda can't accept. Well, almost.
There are various schools around who pretend to teach principles and rules of a
proper spandimerding. Some of them are good, some are just a cheat, it's up to
you to choose a good and trustworthy one, like the official school founded by
the Spandimerda Movement, just to mention one.
What you need is just money.
You pay, we teach you.
If you don't understand we will teach you again and again, sooner or later
something may happen.
This is not a school but since surely you have paid some PD company to buy this
issue of Abnormalia, I find fair to give you some value for money.
An handy, useful, practical guide to light spandimerding.
You may have noticed that a spandimerda has various facettes, there are various
styles, various different tones, various kinds of attack, different languages,
different words.
In this guide I only refer to the light ones, the ones that don't reduce your
enemy to a crying mass of meat, the ones that don't necessarily destroy the
psiche of your target.
It would be dangerous to write here the secrets behind hard spandimerding, its
use may provoke a disagreable decrease of sceners density, for cases of suicide
and omicide committed by spandimerded sceners gone mad. That would be a
negative side effect as the number of people to spandimerda would collapse,
that's why every talented hard spandimerda never wants to reveal his secrets to
the public, he knows that a vulgarization of the secret art would steal him many
foes.
Here they are then, some practical tips for amateurial light spandimerding.
- A light spandimerda has to be friendly, modest, pityful.
- He never attacks the real weak points of his target (at least in his own
opinion), because he knows that he could damage it. He knows that his targets
are precious things who need protection and preservation, he never risks to
demotivate them (compelling them to leave te scene) or to bring them to
depression or insane acts.
- He tends to use an ironic style, he looks for a smile, not a cry. He knows
what the public wants and the public is too moralistic to accept immediately a
true hard spandimerding (even if in its inconscious and in its same genetic
pool everybody desires bloodful spandimerding). People wants to laugh and to
laugh at the others.
- He is also self ironic, he knows that he can't take himself too seriously,
elsewhere his target himself would take his spandimerda remarks too seriously
and suffer more than necessary.
- He never insists too much on the same points, as it could create dangerous
paranoid ideas in the foe. He is able to shift targets, to vary and module
his attacks, to make variations on the theme without falling into
repetitivity.
- He tends generally to attack his own friends, since he knows that they would
think that his attacks are friendly. That is not necessarily true, but a
light spandimerda has a tender heart, he never intends to hurt and takes all
the best precautions, he is a master in letting him friends believe that his
spandimerding is friendly.
- He never says that he is joking, even if this would tranquillize his target.
He would break an important rule of a corrected spandimerda: Even if you are
joking you cannot declare it. If you say that your remarks are a joke you are
not spandimerding.
Never forget anyway that if someone writes that he is joking, it means that he
is afraid that his remarks are considered too heavy by the target, in this
case he really believes in what he writes.
- He accepts every contra-spandimerding. He accepts the spandimerding of the
guys he has spandimerded, even if they are totally without style and skill.
He does this also to let his target think that they are doing an equilibrate
spandimerda quarrel, to show his own superiority in the style and the contents
of the spandimerding attacks would demotivate the enemy and assure him a too
fast victory and the premature end of the fun.
- He does not boast about himself. A light spandimerda is not a self centred
and arrogant dude, this tendency is proper of harder ones, the absolute
masters that regularly win the spandimerda awards. He doesn't claim his
personality, he proves it with a clever, ironic, light and talented
spandimerding.
- A light spandimerda is not proud or ashamed to spandimerda, he just does it.
To spandimerda is not a deed to be proud of, it's a way of life, a modus
vivendi which doesn't need explanations, exaltations, apologies and
justifications.
If you think that these few tips are too difficult to put into practice, don't
worry, as far as I have seen a perfect light spandimerda that follows regularly
these rules does not exist.